I was supposed to post about my updated morning routine, but after speaking with my parents this morning and scrolling through Instagram, I was not in the mood to post a lighthearted updated morning routine. I was the complete opposite of lighthearted; I was sad, anxious and afraid.
But, I couldn’t skip posting this week because I think it’s important for me to remain consistent even when I am not at my best. I didn’t know what to post though because I didn’t have another idea in the queue that was already written. As I was speaking to Jesse about how I was feeling, he made a suggestion that I should post about how I feel. I immediately said “I’ve thought about it but I don’t want my blog to be about that.” Then as I was making my breakfast, I was thinking about what would I say if I wrote a post about how I was feeling? Others probably feel the way I do. My blog is a reflection of me and I should post honestly and share my thoughts, not only for others to find comfort in knowing they’re not alone in how they feel, but for me as a form of therapy. I was extremely emotional thinking about how I feel and what I would write; tears were streaming down my face. There was no way I could sit down at my laptop and do this. So, I gave myself a minute to breathe and think.
While eating my breakfast, Jesse and I watched some comedy. We saw an episode of Reno911! and we’re currently watching Tom Segura’s new comedy special. Once I felt a little bit better, I grabbed my laptop and here I am writing to you.
I did not do well in this 2nd week of quarantine mentally. This coronavirus situation is scaring the shit out of me, especially because the number of cases in NY is so high we are now the epicenter of this virus. I usually don’t freak out about things, but this is putting me in a place that is very out of character for me. It is more exhausting for me to try to tell myself it’s okay and think positively, to suppress feelings of paranoia, which is not how I approach life at all. I never get paranoid and I try to be as rational as possible in situations that are extreme. But, this situation we’re in feels like it is closing in on me, I feel so trapped physically and mentally.
I am an extreme extrovert. I thrive off of seeing people, being social, going out. Even if it’s just going to work and coming home, at least I interact with my coworkers and can talk about non-related work topics in person. I need to be with people in person.
Now more than ever, I miss my parents, my sister, my future in-laws, my niece, my cousins, my friends. People I don’t even see every day or very frequently, but the fact that I cannot see them in person AT ALL until who knows when is KILLING ME!
It breaks my heart knowing that people are dying around the world and loved ones can’t properly say goodbye. It makes me angry that I still see people not practicing self-isolation and social distancing. I’m angry at the government because I don’t feel like they’re doing enough and aren’t strict enough about this lockdown. I get the economy is not doing great right now, but we need to ensure the safety and health of everyone to be able to go back to work when we eventually can. It makes me sad knowing people I know are losing their jobs with the potential of them not being able to get their jobs back. I’m afraid to get this virus and pass it to Jesse (or anyone). What if I get it and my body can’t handle it? I’m afraid my family or friends might get it. Are they healthy enough to get through it, will they be okay?
These thoughts are every.single.day. It’s so draining. It’s even more draining not knowing when this will be over. The unknown freaks me out because I need to know everything. I can live life freely and not always plan for things, but the moment that feeling and decision is made FOR ME and not because I’m putting myself in that situation, that’s when I am not okay.
To keep me grounded, here are the things I have been extremely grateful for during this time period:
- Technology is amazing! I’ve been texting and video chatting with family and friends more than before and I do feel like it is bringing me closer to my loved ones. And, I know when I can see them, the love I have for them now will just pour out of me through tight hugs and maybe tears.
- Knowing that at this moment, everyone I love is at home with their family and is in good health, including myself and Jesse.
- My job. The way they have handled this situation has brought me a lot of comfort knowing that they care about us, support us and will keep us aware of what’s going on frequently. It has been a really great distraction knowing my work has not slowed down and it has kept me productive.
- And last only because I want to end this on the most positive note I can, Jesse and Lilo. I love them so much. They make me so happy everyday and I am so lucky I have the both of them in my life. I’ve said this so many times before, but without them, I would be so alone and lost.
Now that I am at the end of this post, I do feel a lot better than I did this morning. I know this was a more serious post and I promise the next one will be more upbeat. But, I think it was good for me to share myself with you in a way that terrifies me, but that lifts up this weight I have been carrying in my heart. I am sure more of these feelings will come and hit me in waves, but I will take everything day by day and pray that things will get better and I can see everyone soon.
Stay safe, stay healthy and tell your loved ones you love them.