Finding the silver lining in this shitty time

For those who know me, know that I cannot stay negative for very long. It’s hard and exhausting for me to stay sad, mad, angry, and frustrated. But, over the last 2-3 weeks, I’ve bottled up so much of that emotion that it has finally flooded out of me. Every single day last week I was sick to my stomach and so upset with recent events – I’ve never felt that much for so long. 

It started with the killing of Ahmaud Arbery, then Breonna Taylor, then Amy Cooper calling the cops on an innocent black man and then the murder of George Floyd. The murder of George Floyd is when my heart exploded, and like so many others I cried deeply and felt helpless. 

After already carrying the anger and sadness in my heart of seeing black men and women get murdered by cops and white people, I had my own experience last week that made me realize I cannot sit by and be silent and try to brush things off any longer.

I went to walk my dog early in the morning like I normally do and I did not bring my mask with me because I knew no one was going to be out and it was going to be a quick walk. I’ve been following this routine everyday since being in quarantine. As I am outside waiting for my dog to use the bathroom, I notice a woman approaching me in less than 6 ft holding her phone up to my face! I asked her what she was doing and she said she was taking my photo and reporting me to 311 because I did not have a mask. When I zeroed in on her face, I saw she was white. At that moment, my brain froze. All I could think of was the fact that she is white, I am brown and now my photo is in her phone. I began to ask myself “should I snatch the phone? Will that make it worse? What if this situation gets worse?” We exchanged words (by the way she was talking to me with her mask off her face which defeats the purpose) and she walked away. In the direction of where the woman came from, I saw a white girl not wearing her mask and I realized she didn’t take her photo. Tears streamed down my face while still walking Lilo because all I could think of was that she used her power over me to “get me in trouble” and I felt embarrassed. I am very confident she would not have done that had I been white. 

Once I got home, I immediately posted my story on social media and have not stopped posting on social media since. That moment lit a fire under me to NEVER BE SILENT AGAIN. That moment reminded me of all the other moments I’ve been in where a white person said something to me or who I was with because of what we looked like. Big or small situations, I can no longer sit idle while others fight in a battle I should be fighting in too: the fight to stop racism and demand justice and equality for black and brown people!

The day that woman took a photo of me, I was in a meeting and out loud said “I don’t know what the lesson or silver lining is here, but I’m sure I’ll find it.” I always look for the positive in every negative and it took me a while to write this post because I was trying to find it. And, I did. 

The silver lining in all of this is that I found my voice! I’ve struggled with the fact that my skin color is lighter and I’ve struggled with the fact that I have my own privileges where I would never relate to what most black men and women face in America. The reality is I am a black person in America. I’m also a Latina in America and most importantly, I am a human being. I need to make sure I use who I am to fight the racial injustices that happen in our country. 

So far, I’ve donated $350 spread across these orgs:

Black Lives Matter

Brooklyn Bail Fund

Unicorn Riot

Minnesota Freedom Fund

I signed these petitions:

#JusticeforFloyd (Color of Change)

Justice for Breonna Taylor (Change.org)

I am currently reading How to Be An Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi because even though I am a person of color, it doesn’t mean there aren’t biases and prejudices I need to unpack myself to be better to others.

There’s still more that I need to do.

Now is the time to donate, protest, sign petitions, vote, educate, learn, listen, make non-people of color uncomfortable by talking about racism and sharing your story. Do what you can in the ways that work best for you. These acts are what’s going to create change in our country.